The old me and the ladies
One of the things that’s really changed for me is that I don’t think about the size of my penis any more. If you’ve never had my problem, then that probably seems like a normal thing, but in the old days, I hardly ever thought about anything else. Especially if I knew I was going to find myself around a woman. This whole size issue completely dominated my life. Nobody wants to people to think they’re inadequate in any area, but when it comes to sex it’s a question of manhood and this size issue undermines everything in your life.
Of course the worst of all was when there was any possibility that sex might be involved, or if I met a woman I wanted to make a move on. It became like a kind of built-in reflex. I would see a girl and the first though would be “Hey, she’s hot”. But then the second thought would arise almost simultaneously: “But what about my size, what if she laughs at me?” Even if I managed to overcome that and went ahead to hook up with someone, I’d still be thinking the whole time that there wasn’t any point because even if she came home with me once, she won’t come again when she discovers what I’ve got, or rather what I haven’t got. These thoughts were going through my head every time I met a woman.
You can imagine the effect all that worry had on me. I became really awkward with girls, couldn’t find anything to say to them. And the closer it got to actually getting down to any action, the worse it got. A few times when I was with really great women who were really interested in me and we’d get back to my place and start something, that little voice in my head would get louder and louder. I’d keep on delaying things, have another drink, keep on kissing her and making out, always delaying that terrible moment when we got undressed and she discovered my secret. A couple times I was so neurotic about it I couldn’t even get it up at all. Those had to be the most humiliating nights of my life.
My life was simply miserable. Everything else was going okay, but in this one area, I was a zero. There I was, in my mid-twenties, the time that should be the best time of my life for sex, and I was avoiding it. Like everyone at that age, I was thinking about sex all the time. But instead of thinking about all the women I could be with, I was obsessed with the idea that no woman would want to be with me. In the end it got so that women stopped being interested in me. I guess that my lack of confidence became so obvious, that they could see immediately that they should look somewhere else if they wanted a good time.
